The Decision

I never know what to call it. "I became a Christian", "I accepted Jesus", "I gave my life over to God". None of it ever sounds right. When something doesn't sound right, I usually try to say exactly what happened instead of relying on an overused statement.

What happened was I desperately told Jesus He could have my life if He wanted it. And I would be His forever in exchange. I remember thinking Jesus was getting the extremely sore raw end of the deal and He was kind of a fool to take me up on it, but, man, if He would, if only he would...

By this point in my life--9 years ago on November 5--I knew Jesus was real. I would think an occasional desperate thought, "Please don't let me die now God because I know I will go to hell." With as much of a mess as my life was, it's hard for me to remember why I didn't give up sooner. But I think I had to get to a point where I was so sick of my self reliance and so disturbed at my propensity for screwing up my perfectly poised life before I would surrender. More than anything, that's what it was--surrender. I finally surrendered. It was the best decision I have ever made. In the moment after surrendering, the horrible dark oppressive weight I carried around all the time left and I felt relief for the first time in what felt like my whole life. That weight has never returned. Nor has the lonliness, depression, or desperation of my life before Jesus. Yes--of course life just plain stinks sometimes, but the stink is so different. I know it has an end. And I know I am not alone in it.

I don't like the phrase--"I became a Christian"--for a reason. I think and hope I am still becoming one. If I had become one then, life would have been done. But in the past 9 years, I hope I am becoming more of a Christian every day. Because a Christian--one who is totally identified by Jesus that they actually take on His name--would be the most loving, kind, caring, passionate, and engaging person around. I know in the last 9 years I have become more like that but I am oh so far away from the end. In fact, sometimes I backtrack years in a few seconds. But thank the Lord there is always a new day.

This is the first year I actually forgot my spiritual birthday. Most years I anticipate it with the joy of marking off another year of knowing Jesus as Lord, but this year I forgot until 2 days later. I wasn't sure what to make of it--has it become less special? Do I not care anymore? But today I saw a huge oak tree in the park. I thought about how it came from one tiny little seed. And I thought about how that night 9 years ago was a tiny little seed. And it's never going to stop growing.