Life Between Books

I consume books. I do not simply read them. I consume them. Devour them. Suck the life out of them, chew them up, swallow them, and digest them. I do not daintily nor carelessly read a book. And the ones that call for careless reading I toss aside after a few pages.

I used to think prison would be an okay place because I could read all day. As a child, I dreamed of inventions where the book's pages would be cast on the ceiling so I did not have to hold the book up with my tired little arm. My mom and dad could only get me to do certain things if I were promised hours of uninterrupted reading. I distinctly remember thinking how lucky I was authors created such intricate provocative characters whom I could know every aspect of their lives. I cannot rest until I see what a stranger in the airport, on the metro, at the bus stop is reading because from what they are reading, I can tell who they are and what they like.

I blame my story-telling grandfather and my fellow book-devourer father for this love of literature (although his consumption is much more methodical and intentional--much like he eats) .

When I am between books and haven't settled within the pages, I feel restless.

"Cuentame algo, aunque sea una mentira"

The Alphabetizer

It began with a simple metal rod.

"You can use it, you know, to alphabetize all those papers you need to file. It goes a lot faster."

I just stared wide eyed and open mouthed at this long metal rod in a red and white Office Depot box. I began to emphatically deny its effectiveness and list 8 reasons why there was no way this tool could possibly help me do my job any faster since the alphabetizing I was doing was clearly way beyond the scope of this simple rod.

"Alright," she shrugged, "Well, take it anyway."

I walked back to my office, rod in hand, trying to ignore what this thing meant that I had been given. I finally understand why a mother hates to be given an iron even if it will make her life easier because she wants to scream and say, "An iron! All of this, all of me, all of my life and experiences and dreams, and now I am being given an iron?!"

The next day, I saw the tool peering out at me from under a pile of papers where it had been shoved. Calls, people, emails, gchats all clamored for my attention shouting at me to do some task the equivalent of alphabetizing. A short, tense meeting with my boss and next thing you know I am sitting in my office chair staring at my computer with tears spilling over my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. "Get it together, Amalie. What are you doing?" I say to myself. But there is no stopping it, I have become an alphabetizer. I shut my door and cry for a good 15 minutes. I am not really one to cry too easily. Yes, I cry, but at work? Over nothing? Just a normal work day? And a cry that I could not control but just sort of took over? Sometimes, I like to cry, you know, I just feel like a good cry, but this was not like that. This was more like when you have to go to the bathroom. There was no stopping it.

For months, actually, years, I have been praying that I would learn humility. The Gorbold clan is not known for being a humble bunch. We are doctors, lawyers, engineers, build our own houses, smarter than the average bear, and I inherited this, "I can do anything" type of attitude. As a teenager, it was mostly invested in rebellion and screwing the system, but as an adult and follower of Jesus, it has been invested in traveling the world, helping people, living in new places, getting my Masters, and supporting myself. Humility has been hard to come by. Although I know I have been born into the most fortunate of circumstances, I also think my decisions have gotten me here. But, lately, my decisions seem futile and my own existence is like quicksand.

I see my peers get married to wonderful people, have smiley happy cute babies, work at amazing world-changing jobs, and laugh with joys of their lives, and I feel I have not much to boast of. And in this not boasting and in watching the success and happiness of my friends, I am learning humility. I just thought I would learn it in a more Mother Teresa-esque way where I was saving beggars and orphans from filth and poverty, and people would gasp and say, "Oh, she's so humble, she never thinks of herself but only of others!" Instead, I feel squeezed to "consider others better than myself" and allow others "to become greater as I become less". To be frank, it is not fun. But Jesus was humble and I want to be like Him. So I will alphabetize. And one day when I am doing something I love and I am good at, I will think of the days of alphabetizing and remember we do not always get to the places we want to be by our own strength.